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You are here: Home / Archives for Asking for help

This is Not Normal

August 7, 2019 By Scott "Q" Marcus

My purpose — as I understand the direction of my editors, as well as my own moral compass — is to try and bring to you a glimmer of light in your day.

As boldly evident, there is much darkness; and whether I write about habit change, attitude, communication, or attempt to crack wise; that objective remains my North Star. To stay true to course, I attempt to steer free of politics (although those who know me know that I have very strong opinions).

Today, I cannot be silent; it would be morally wrong.

Moreover, honestly, I am also finding it near impossible to remain hopeful. That is not me.

We are chewed up yet again by horrific, tragic, awful, terrible, unconscionable, outrageous stories of more mass shootings. This time, the names of the cities are El Paso and Dayton. (Gilroy, barely a week past, seems a distant memory.) I list only cities, as posting the victims’ names would heartbreakingly take more column inches than allocated print space.

I — and I imagine, you — feel like I have been rammed head-first through a meat grinder of emotions unwelcomed, undesirable, and uninvited; mercilessly whipped by a cat o’ nine tails in a sinister torture scene from a B-quality horror movie. We are pin balls bouncing through shock, fear, disbelief, powerlessness, grief, anger; desperately attempting to reclaim balance and serenity, only again to be rocketed off against our desires into the emotional sewage. It is a nightmare from which we cannot pinch ourselves awake.

Whereby we attempt to shield our damaged psyche in denial and say — more a prayer than a fact — it cannot happen here; that too is what the people of Orlando, Las Vegas, and Poway most assuredly believed.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Asking for help, Current Events, Newspaper Column, Rant Tagged With: compassion, Hope, mass shooting, News, violence

Gratitude or Willpower? What’s More Effective?

January 24, 2018 By Scott "Q" Marcus

I know I say this a lot. As a matter of fact, I know you do too. So, say it with me, “I can’t believe January is over already.”

With one month down, so too are the majority of New Year’s Resolutions. Sadly, by the end of the first week of the first month, 30 percent of resolutions have gone the way of all flesh. Come year’s end, only eight percent remain; it’s therefore accurate to deduce that over 90 percent of us give up on our commitments by the time the ball drops on the next year. How frustrating.

There are a few reasons.

Most of us set vague goals.

For example, we say, “This year, I’m going to take better care of myself,” or “I’m going to lose weight,” or “stress less.” Intention positive? Yep. But without a specific action plan, it’s a nebulous, free-floating, hazy decree, dissipating as quickly as the fog which hugs the coast on a summer morning.

Another cause for failure is relying too much on the wrong definition of willpower, too often seen as our ability to white-knuckle bully our way through temptation.

Willpower is NOT the ability to take a long-term stand, plant our feet, cross our arms, and defiantly proclaim, “I won’t give in!” Rather, if we reframe the definition to, “I won’t give in THIS ONE TIME,” we alleviate much of the self-imposed pressure, upping the odds we’ll actually accomplish what we say we want.

Willingness to forgo short-term pleasure for a long-term benefit is rarely easy, and when stressed, tired, angry, or sad; it essentially puts us at odds with our own internal drive, paradoxically increasing the stressor and further eroding the potential for success. This causes self-flagellation and – in the end – we throw in the towel “until next year,” repeating yet again the hopeless cycle.

Backing this up are studies conducted by David DeSteno, professor of psychology at Northeastern University, and author of Emotional Success: The Power of Gratitude, Compassion, and Pride. As he points out,

“Choosing to rely on rational analysis and willpower to stick to our goals, [is] disadvantaging ourselves … If using willpower to keep your nose to the grindstone feels like a struggle, that’s because it is. Your mind is fighting against itself. It’s trying to convince, cajole and, if that fails, suppress a desire for immediate pleasure.”

Professor DeSteno proposes that gratitude and compassion are more likely to yield valuable results because those emotions naturally lead us to be patient, which logically, increases the odds that we’ll stick with a task.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Asking for help, goals, Gratitude, Happiness, Newspaper Column, Overcoming Obstacles, Overcoming Temptation, Relationships, Success, willpower Tagged With: attitude, better relationships, changing habits, gratitude, habit change, inspiration, lifestyle change, new year's resolutions, relationships, resolutions that stick, thankfulness, why resolutions fail

Twenty Two Years – One Step at a Time

September 21, 2016 By Scott "Q" Marcus

In September 1993, the thing for men was silk long-sleeve shirts hiked to the elbow, and bold, brightly colored ties.

Radio stations played The River of Dreams by Billy Joel, Runaway Train by Soul Asylum, and Reason to Believe by Rod Stewart. True Romance, A Bronx Tale and The Joy Luck Club flickered on movie screens. Television’s offerings included Murphy Brown, Roseanne, and Seinfeld. The Internet – as we know it now – didn’t exist. Email was in its infancy (but I’m sure there was spam). Our president was Bill Clinton with Tom Foley as the Speaker of the House. Finally, news stories included PLO leader Yasser Arafat and Israeli Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin shaking hands; and the continued legal fallout from the Branch Davidian standoff in Waco.

fat me

The biggest news story in my world was my 39th birthday on September 28 and that my life was careening out of control.

I suffered from severe back and chest pains; my finances were a mess; my marriage was hanging by a thread — and I topped the scales at 250 pounds. Taking self-inventory, I came to the shocking realization that what was in common among all these difficulties was me; I had become my own enemy.

From past experience, I knew that my canary in the coalmine was my eating.

When I got that under control, everything else fell in place. But if you added up all the weight I had lost (and then regained) over the course of my not-quite-forty-years, I’m sure it would have been in the thousands. I had even helped others lose weight. Yet, I always regained it, reverted to old habits over time.

Defeated, overwhelmed, and hopeless – but seeing no alternatives — I opted to try “one last time,” promising myself that by September 28, 1994, I’d be “fit, fun, and fiscally sound.”

It was that despair that led me to action. I went to a meeting; I reached out.

A small step, yes, but still it was movement. When I entered the room, I wanted to fall through a hole in the floor. It took every ounce of will I could muster to prevent from turning and running to the nearest bakery.

Yet I stayed; one more small step.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Asking for help, Change, goals, Group Support, Inspiration, Newspaper Column, Personal Tagged With: change, diet, empowerment, habit change, happiness, lifestyle change, losing weight, success, weight loss

We are each the Hub of Our Life

August 3, 2015 By Scott "Q" Marcus

It’s essential to take time for YOU.

Taking Time for What's Important

There is an acronym for when you’re most inclined to engage in bad habits.

It’s called “HALT.”

Whatever “bad” habit you have is most inclined to be activated when you are: [Read more…]

Filed Under: Asking for help, Baby Boomers, family, Happiness, Motivational Monday Tagged With: family, priorities, quality of life, stress, take time, taking time, taking time for oneself, tired

Finding Abundance

July 15, 2015 By Scott "Q" Marcus

The year prior to last was frankly put, lousy.

We had some health issues, which, as you know, are not only frightening, but also expensive. To make matters worse, what I thought was a very successful business model suddenly collapsed as if built on rotten toothpicks, leaving me financially scrambling. I’m fortunate; I’ve always put money away for a rainy day, but this was a downpour.

German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche said,

“That which does not kill me makes me stronger.”

So, I guess I am sturdier for the experience. Yet, I retained scars.

One result was that I hunkered down, even as the tides began shifting. I looked for where I could shrink my life instead of how I could once again blossom. Because I attempt to live simply (all things being relative), there wasn’t a great deal to prune. I was faced with decisions akin to, “How can I save three dollars on the power bill? Is it really essential to patch the roof now or can we wait? How long can I hold off before replacing my brakes?”

Don’t misunderstand, we muddle up our existence with all too much unnecessary clutter so, if given the luxury, living within one’s means is admirable and even virtuous. However, unless one is extravagant or wealthy (or both), he or she can only cut so much fat before grinding away through bone.

Eventually, I was fortunate enough to be confronted by someone willing to have with me one of those unpleasant — but many times necessary — “courageous conversations.”

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Asking for help, Beliefs, Happiness, Inspiration, Newspaper Column Tagged With: abundance, affirmation, attitude, motivation, prosperity, quality of life, relationships

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