Scared of my Shadow

March 1, 2023 by Scott "Q" Marcus

I have spent the last couple of months engaged in the most creative, expansive, complicated project this near-70-year-old body has ever experienced.

With the support, guidance, and loyalty of a couple of dozen actors and technicians, I was at the helm of a world-premiere fairy-tale, fantasy, live experience that debuted here in my hometown, written by – and co-directed with – my sister. From the birth of the concept until the final standing ovation and triumphant critical reviews, it has been an intensive, immersive, magnificent memory that I will take to my grave. I wish you a long enough life so that you can share the joy of an event like that before your time comes to an end.

This brings me to my point.

While swirling and spinning with arms outstretched among the fairy dust, magic wands, and magical characters of Never After Happily, the real world oozed through. Like a gelatinous, ominous, malevolent, sticky goo rising through the floorboards in a horror movie, I received the shocking news of the results of a medical test I recently took. It is indeed the dark, oppressive yin to my starry, colorful, brightly-lit, fantasy-miracle world of yang.

I thought about whether or not this was appropriate fodder for my column. Of course, after one has written a regular piece like this for almost 20 years, everything that happens has the potential to be the basis of one of my missives. Yet, I hesitated because, well, is it a case of TMI to share my medical news with several thousand strangers? Is it anyone’s business aside from my family’s? Will they look at me differently? Does it matter?

Yet, the reality is that although we might never have met in person; you and I have not shared a cup of coffee or talked on the phone, or even exchanged text messages. We have not breathed deep the warmth of a shared hug or even smiled face to face as we passed each other on the street. Nonetheless, in my mind, you are family. I know not how you look. I have never heard the timbre of your voice, nor shaken your hand. However, when I write these words each week, I see you as clearly as the orange, blue, acrylic; star, planet, and comet mobile that hangs in my office. You are always with me.

With family, one shares.

So, to that end, my doctor wanted me to take a Cologuard test. At this age, that’s S.O.P. There was no advanced concern; I am not showing symptoms of colorectal distress. It’s just what one does at this age, realizing that there are fewer days in front than behind, and wanting to maximize the time we have left.

In my view, the only proper result for a medical test, is a bright red, circled “A+” emblazoned across the top of the page, the words, “Great Job!” handwritten nearby. It is certainly not to see the harsh declaration, “Positive – Abnormal,” in black and white on a computer screen.

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The Perfect Prescription

July 14, 2021 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

I don’t like going to the doctor.

It’s not that I don’t like my doctor; he’s great. It’s that it puts my impermanence on full display, stripping away the denial of immortality; even when it’s simply a routine checkup. Something about being in a medical office raises my blood pressure as well as fear level.

“How are you feeling?”
“You’re the doctor; wouldn’t it be up to you to tell me?”

He chuckled an inner warmth that blended well with his extensive knowledge. As I said, I like my doctor. In a time where the medical providers are overworked and under-appreciated, rushing here to there to accomplish everything required of them, he always appeared totally attentive during the short time we spent together once a year.

“Are you exercising?”
“Yes, I walk about 30 minutes at least five times a week – plus I take my dog out each day. That’s not really exercise because we have to stop and pee at every bush we pass.” I paused, then corrected, “Well, it’s not WE to have to stop and pee; it’s him. Just clarifying…”

He smiled again.

“Your blood tests all show that everything is as it’s supposed to be. You’re a healthy man.” He paused. “So, how’s your life?”

The question knocked me on my heels for a brief flash; not a query I expected from an MD, but, when you think about it, it makes perfect sense. One cannot heal the body while ignoring the mind and spirit. As I took a mental inventory of “how is my life,” I opened up about the waning days of my career, my aspiring spirituality, family drama, life goals, and the passing of years in general.

Says singer/songwriter John Mellencamp in The Real Life: [Read more…]

Seeing Clearly

May 12, 2021 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

I am nearsighted.

Not your everyday, run-of-the-mill, I-can’t-see-the-bottom-line-on-the-eye-chart nearsighted; I instead am referring to objects further than six inches away appearing as a blurry mass. From the moment I rise until the last second before I go to bed, I must wear glasses. Should they fall and I can’t immediately find them, panic crushes me until I recover them. Without them, I am virtually blind. They feel as much a part of me as — quite literally — the nose on my face. I am fortunate however that my prescription allows correction to near perfection.

So, I became concerned when, of late, looking at light on dark, I have been experiencing “halos.”

Two examples: When the subtitles on the movie are white against black, the text is blurry. More problematic, when driving at night, although I can see clearly cars, roads, and signs; taillights and street lights lack the same crispness. It’s unnerving enough that I stopped going out after dark.

My father was a hypochondriac’s hypochondriac; he would solicit a second medical opinion when the doctor told him he was healthy. I don’t mean to make light of it; I point it out to somewhat explain my resistance to going to doctors; an irrational backlash to not being my dad. Therefore, for me to visit an eye specialist over my symptoms will shed some light (um, no pun intended) on how seriously I took this change in my vision and resultant alteration to my lifestyle.

If this scenario sounds familiar, you know where I’m going. If not, the cause of my optical degradation is cataracts. According to the Mayo Clinic, “A cataract is a clouding of the normally clear lens of your eye. For people who have cataracts, seeing through cloudy lenses is a bit like looking through a frosty or fogged-up window. Clouded vision caused by cataracts can make it more difficult to read, drive a car (especially at night) or see the expression on a friend’s face.” Approximately 200,000 people per year in the U.S. suffer from them.

This week was my pre-op appointment.

[Read more…]

One of These Days, When This All Passes…

April 8, 2020 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

One of these days, morning will dawn on a world where this will have all passed.

One of these days, we will return to lives, no longer sheltering-in-place nor wearing protective gear and masks to leave our houses. One of these days we will again put on make-up, style our hair, dress up, and go out for a night at the theater, soaking in all the glorious laughter and chatter of being in a room full of people, no longer fearful of what might be transmitted. One day again, we will celebrate a special occasion at an upscale restaurant, surrounded a bit too closely by other diners – but we won’t mind. One of these days we will host dinner parties and wrap our arms around and hold tight each and every person who enters our house.

One of these days, we will look back with a mixture of sorrow and relief and anger and fear at this entire horrific, upending, devastating period.

Alas, that day is not yet.

It won’t be as far from now as we fear, nor will it be as soon as we would prefer.

But it is coming; as surely as the sun will rise and the winds will blow and the stars will shine; it is approaching. Paraphrasing T.S. Elliot, that instant will land not with a bang, but with a whimper; subtlety, slowly, surreptitiously making known its presence. In the same manner one cannot actually watch a flower open but can recognize its beauty when it blooms, that time is blossoming even now.

And when it does, what will you do to commemorate its arrival?

I will re-experience joy in the small things. No more will I socially distance myself nor self-isolate, instead smiling broadly when someone — anyone — passes me on the sidewalk. No longer having to swab everything with sani-wipes, I will plop down my butt on any park bench I damn well want or hang from its jungle gym, free of trepidation of what I might catch. I will relish the background noise and chatter of a crowded mall. I’ll stand nearer than six feet when in line at the grocery store and won’t be afraid to handle cash when I pay. [Read more…]

Thank You to Our Heroes

April 1, 2020 by Scott "Q" Marcus

Maybe it’s because I’m “of a certain age” or I’m simply a curmudgeon, but boy howdy do I have a catalogue of pet peeves.

People who tailgate are head and shoulders top of the list. I can maybe, sorta, possibly justify this irk because it can be dangerous. However, many of the others just rub me raw for no reason in particular except, well, I dunno, just because.

As example, it really yanks my chain when I spot that stupid, senseless, ridiculous — even offensive — “fashion style” of one’s pants fastened below the butt. The way I see it, it you have to waddle while walking, holding your trousers up with one hand so they don’t plotz down to your ankles, you might want to rethink the manner in which you’re wearing your clothes; just saying. I don’t know why it irks me so much but, I’ll own it, it does.

Another annoyance of mine is the “inflation” of the word “hero,” now tasked to depict virtually anyone who does what is expected of them – or even less – with no sacrifice of their own.

“She is a real hero; she walks her dog every day.”

“My children are heroes; they clean their rooms without being asked.”

C’mon! Really? Can I be a hero because I paid my bills or managed to get out of my pajamas; choking down the terror and resulting paralysis I overcome on a daily basis during the pandemic? No, I think not. We’re all doing it, and by definition, we cannot all be heroes.

A definition of hero is, “a person noted for courageous acts or nobility of character; or who, in the opinion of others, has special achievements, abilities, or personal qualities and is regarded as a role model or ideal.”

The crisis in which we find ourselves has indeed brought forth genuine, true-to-life, tangible heroes, who despite risk, continue to push forward, contributing to the greater good while jeopardizing their own. Among all the mayhem, confusion, and anxiety of these days, I felt it an honor, as well as appropriate, to call them out. [Read more…]