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You are here: Home / Archives for new year’s resolutions

Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life

October 13, 2021 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

It’s hard to believe the holidays are upon us again.

I know I say this every year, (admit it, you do too) but it always seems like a surprise. Stores starting setting up Halloween displays sometime around March (slight – but not much of an – exaggeration.) Christmas displays have been unveiled in the big box outlets for several weeks already. And, almost as quickly as it began, summer has left us for cold mornings, thick jackets, and wool caps.

Especially after being hunkered down for almost two years, it can be difficult to stay on track during the upcoming “holiday party season,” that period from when Halloween candies hit the store shelves until the last New Year’s party has faded with the final chords of Auld Lang Syne. This is not new. We’ve all been around the block a few times; we know how difficult it can be to get back on track come January. We could just stay on course for the next couple of months. Yet, if we all know what this time of year is like, why do we do this to ourselves every year?

The answers are numerous, but at the core is “habit.”

To permanently change habits, we need an accurate understanding of what they are. Most people mistakenly consider habits to be repeated behaviors done without thought; developed over time. Whereby that’s partly true, it misses focusing on the more significant elements: everything which precedes the behavior. Not understanding the entire chain condemns us to be victims of our actions instead of their masters.

That said, let’s re-define more accurately what exactly is a habit: “A recurring pattern of thoughts and feelings triggering a repeated behavior, which all work together to simplify our lives.”

We are not mindless Zombies, aimlessly wandering the landscape, driven by impulse and instinct, reacting without any control. Instead, since most of us have functioning brains, we develop patterns – rituals – which allow us to lower the cacophony between our ears and think less. The benefit of which is that it simplifies our lives by putting much of it on autopilot. After all, it’s hard to constantly be “on,” we need relief.

There are three components to habits.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Change, Habits, Newspaper Column, Power of Attitude, Psychology Tagged With: action, bad habits, changing habits, feelings, healthy eating habits, healthy habits, holidays, new year's resolutions, old habits, resolutions that stick, thoughts and feelings, why resolutions fail

Looking Back – And Looking Ahead

January 9, 2019 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

The holidays were behind her; decorations stuffed in the attic until next year.

She liked gussying up the living room every December, but there was also a sense of relief once the house was restored to a less chaotic, more familiar décor.

Breathing in the return to normalcy while sitting on a weathered wood bench on the back deck, a cool breeze gently tussled her hair; causing her to pull tighter around her neck the red fleece sweatshirt; raising the zipper high to help block the chill. With both hands clamped around the mug of hot tea between her palms, she savored its radiance as it emanated from the ceramic, warming not only her hands but her soul. Try as she might, she had not been able to find a flavored tea that replaced the bold satisfaction of morning coffee, but tea didn’t impact her stomach unfavorably. “Ah, the sacrifices one makes to Geras,” she thought, amusingly surprised that she remembered the name of the Greek God of Aging.

She sighed and redirected her attentiveness to the untidy back plank fence bordered by weeds attempting to reclaim their space. “The back yard really needs attention,” she considered, but knew there were yet several more weeks of winter and nothing would get done until the gray cleared and the rain stopped.

“No need to concern myself with that now…” Her thoughts drifted and she trailed, letting them lead wherever they might stroll.

“Another new year,” she mused, holding tighter the mug, hoping to claim a bit more heat. She pondered what was in store for the coming months.

She didn’t make resolutions; they were merely repeating the unkept promises she of last year; as she tried to catch up with those from the year prior, which were actually tasks undone from the year before that. At some point, why bother? “Just do your best and keep moving forward,” was as close to a New Year’s resolution as she came.

Yet, the newness of another January was not lost on her. With the changing of the calendar, there came a freshness, a bloom of new possibility for the time ahead. A clean slate was laid out in front of her, what would she do with it?

It was getting harder to say she was still “middle aged;” after all, few folks make it to 120. Was this where she expected to be in her sixties? She contemplated that for a moment and realized she didn’t have an answer. Was it a myth that some kids knew exactly who whey wanted to be from their first day? That had never been who she was; instead following a more meandering road.

“Retirement, what a concept,” she thought.

Many of her close friends, after having spent decades in a nine-to-five, walled off behind a cubicle; were now starting to collect pensions. Some were traveling, or spending times with grandkids — or both. Others pursued long-hibernating passions they had put on hold since their twenties. A twinge of envy flittered across her emotional horizon; there would be no retirement party for her, her course would continue until she decided it was at its end. And even then, what would that look like? Would she simply wake up one morning and declare, “I’m now officially retired,” awarding herself a watch and a cake?

“Did I really choose this?” she asked herself, “Or did I just let it happen?”

Shaking her head to clear her thoughts, she recalled the choices that brought her to this place. What if she would have finished college instead of pursuing her craft? How about if she had married someone wealthy? Everything would have been different, she pondered, a pinch of melancholy seasoning her mood.

A song drifted across her thoughts, something about a woman who died and was sweating her interview with Saint Peter, who was going to look up in some colossal journal every decision — good or bad — that she ever did, and then decree where she will spend all eternity. “Will I have done enough to get into Heaven?” the singer wondered. Enter the chorus: “There’s nothing I can do about it now.” Might as well relax; it’s too late to change it.

“Yep, nothing I can do about it now,” she reminded herself and exhaled deeply the tension that she didn’t realize she was even carrying until that moment.

Whether planned or not, no one could argue that she was her own woman; traveling her own road; pursuing her own dreams; following her own uncharted course. She assumed there yet more twists and turns ahead; in those lie possibilities and dreams. “Who knows what’s in store? I might yet be in for some exciting times.”

Her elderly orange cat, tired of being ignored, hopped onto her lap, brushed its head against the warm mug and snuggled into her lap, purring loudly. Transferring the mug into one hand, she stroked the cat’s fur as they both stared out into the dreary, unkept lawn.

“Life is good. Thank you,” she said to no one in particular, and smiled as she sipped some tea. “Not a bad flavor at all…”

About the author: Scott “Q” Marcus is the CRP (Chief Recovering Perfectionist) of www.ThisTimeIMeanIt.com. He is available for coaching, speaking, and reminders of what really matters at 707.442.6243, scottq@scottqmarcus.com or www.facebook.com/ThisTimeIMeanIt.

Filed Under: Baby Boomers, goals, Gratitude, Happiness, Holidays, Newspaper Column, resolutions Tagged With: aging, change, emotions, feelings, gratitude, happiness, inspiration, new year's resolutions, priorities, quality of life, relationships

Gratitude or Willpower? What’s More Effective?

January 24, 2018 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

I know I say this a lot. As a matter of fact, I know you do too. So, say it with me, “I can’t believe January is over already.”

With one month down, so too are the majority of New Year’s Resolutions. Sadly, by the end of the first week of the first month, 30 percent of resolutions have gone the way of all flesh. Come year’s end, only eight percent remain; it’s therefore accurate to deduce that over 90 percent of us give up on our commitments by the time the ball drops on the next year. How frustrating.

There are a few reasons.

Most of us set vague goals.

For example, we say, “This year, I’m going to take better care of myself,” or “I’m going to lose weight,” or “stress less.” Intention positive? Yep. But without a specific action plan, it’s a nebulous, free-floating, hazy decree, dissipating as quickly as the fog which hugs the coast on a summer morning.

Another cause for failure is relying too much on the wrong definition of willpower, too often seen as our ability to white-knuckle bully our way through temptation.

Willpower is NOT the ability to take a long-term stand, plant our feet, cross our arms, and defiantly proclaim, “I won’t give in!” Rather, if we reframe the definition to, “I won’t give in THIS ONE TIME,” we alleviate much of the self-imposed pressure, upping the odds we’ll actually accomplish what we say we want.

Willingness to forgo short-term pleasure for a long-term benefit is rarely easy, and when stressed, tired, angry, or sad; it essentially puts us at odds with our own internal drive, paradoxically increasing the stressor and further eroding the potential for success. This causes self-flagellation and – in the end – we throw in the towel “until next year,” repeating yet again the hopeless cycle.

Backing this up are studies conducted by David DeSteno, professor of psychology at Northeastern University, and author of Emotional Success: The Power of Gratitude, Compassion, and Pride. As he points out,

“Choosing to rely on rational analysis and willpower to stick to our goals, [is] disadvantaging ourselves … If using willpower to keep your nose to the grindstone feels like a struggle, that’s because it is. Your mind is fighting against itself. It’s trying to convince, cajole and, if that fails, suppress a desire for immediate pleasure.”

Professor DeSteno proposes that gratitude and compassion are more likely to yield valuable results because those emotions naturally lead us to be patient, which logically, increases the odds that we’ll stick with a task.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Asking for help, goals, Gratitude, Happiness, Newspaper Column, Overcoming Obstacles, Overcoming Temptation, Relationships, Success, willpower Tagged With: attitude, better relationships, changing habits, gratitude, habit change, inspiration, lifestyle change, new year's resolutions, relationships, resolutions that stick, thankfulness, why resolutions fail

Fun Stuff About New Year’s Resolutions

January 6, 2016 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

One might think that since my professional life orbits in the galaxy of helping people change their habits for good that I might be a fan of New Year’s Resolutions.

Alien monster making resolutions

One might think that. However, one would be wrong.

Don’t misunderstand; I believe that any time one wants to make a change for the better it’s perfect. Should the passing of another year be the inspiration for that alteration, I’m all for it. However, the swing side of this first-of-the-year obsession is that each January, everyone and their brother is mouthing, “This year, I promise to…” – yet, they don’t. Blah, blah, blah. Moreover, the whole “New Year’s resolution thing” provides cover for the whole “over indulgence thing” that runs from each October through December. After all, one can fall back on the rationale; “I’ll get back in control next year. Give me another serving please; don’t be shy with the gravy.”

Anyway, I’m riding a little high on my horse. I apologize. Bottom line is that the best time to make a resolution is when you’re actually committed to doing it, whether that is January 1, March 22, or October 5. As the ad says, “just do it.”

Yet, as long as I’ve taken us this far down the road, let’s drive on and see what there is. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Habits, humor, Newspaper Column, Rant, resolutions Tagged With: change, changing habits, humor, new year's resolutions, statistics, success, weight loss

Choose Your Word for the Year

January 4, 2016 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

We think in words.

Our thoughts determine our actions, which guide our actions.

Therefore, the words we choose determine our lives.

At the beginning of each year, my wife and I sit down at a local coffee shop and we make plans for what we’d like the year to look like.  At that meeting, we:

  • Set our goals for the year
  • Determine our priorities
  • Set our intentions
  • Picture what we’d do “if money were no object” (I can assure you I’d be writing this from a tropical climate if that came to be)
  • Determine what we are releasing that served us well in the past but no longer fits (including grudges, resentments, habits, and material clutter)

What might be the most important item on our agenda is choosing a word for the year. Call it a theme if you wish.

In 2014, we chose “Prosperity.” In 2015, we picked “Abundance.”

This year we opted for “Gratitude,” a feeling or attitude in acknowledgment of a benefit that one has received or will receive.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: goals, Gratitude, Holidays, Motivational Monday, planning Tagged With: achieving your goals, attaining your goals, brand new year, gratitude, happiness, new year, new year's resolutions, planning, power of words, thankfulness, words

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