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Monday Motivational Memo: How to Avoid Escalating a Disagreement

May 30, 2011 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

Saying it louder doesn’t make it correct.

In the middle of a disagreement, we can get frustrated. When that happens, we might feel we’re not being heard so the natural reaction is to say it louder.

If you want to actually make your point, it might work better by slowing down and asking a few questions.

You will always resolve more problems and minimize hurt feelings by listening to someone instead of talking at them.

Note: Every Monday, a new motivational memo is posted. Subscribers to ThisTimeIMeanIt.com’s coaching service get this – and many more benefits – sent to them directly. If you’d like to know more, follow this link.

Hanging Out With a Better Class of People

May 25, 2011 by Scott "Q" Marcus

For the majority of presentations I conduct, I administer an on-line anonymous survey to get a better feel for what’s going on inside the organization.

Question number one is, “On a typical day, how would you rate your attitude?”

Respondents choose from five answers:

Extremely upbeat
Pretty Good
Average
Below average
Extremely poor

I’ll fess up the fact that it’s not a very scientific question, but neither do you need to work for NASA to answer it. In a nutshell, it’s a fancy way of saying, “How ya’ doin’?”

Out of the thousands who have responded, approximately 79 percent have said that their average-day attitude is “pretty good” or “extremely upbeat.” In effect, that could mean that you — the person reading this — has about an 79 percent chance of saying your attitude (most of the time) falls in one of those two categories. (By the way, only one percent responds “extremely poor.”)

Another way to parse that would be, if we were to ask people to use a one-to-ten scale, with the highest number being “ecstatic,” and the bottom being “suicidal;” the regular person on an ordinary day would say, “It’s about eight.”

Question two rates in the same fashion the attitude of those with whom we interact most often: family members, co-workers, and friends. Here the indicator slides to 52 percent. Using the same interpretation as above, that implies that we feel that, although we’d give ourselves an “eight,” we’d label others a “five.” (Imagine how much it would deteriorate if they didn’t have the pleasure of our charming, upbeat positivity to buoy their sagging moods!)

Finally, question three inquires about, “The attitude of those with whom you come in contact on a daily basis?” That scope involves everyone else we bump into, such as clerks, attendants, or phone reps, in effect the river of population flowing across our paths in a typical 24-hour period.

Using the same measuring scale, we sense that only about 31 percent of “those people” possess a “pretty good” or “extremely upbeat” outlook. To spin that yet one more way, we feel that only about one out of three, or one-third, of everyone we meet has a better-than-average attitude.

In summation [Read more…]

Agreeing to Disagree: How to have a Civil Disagreement

April 8, 2011 by Scott "Q" Marcus

How you handle conflict can prevent a whole lot of drama and bring you to resolution far quicker.

In the movie, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Harvey challenges Butch for leadership of the Hole-in-the-Wall Gang. Butch delays the confrontation by saying, “No, no, not yet. Not until me and Harvey get the rules straightened out.”

Harvey, confused, responds, “Rules? In a knife fight? No rules.”

Butch immediately kicks Harvey, dropping him like a sack of stolen loot. Says Cassidy, “Well, if there ain’t going to be any rules, let’s get the fight started. Someone count. One, two three, go.”

Sundance blurts, “One, two three, go,” at which point Butch knocks Harvey out.

Butch, obviously not concerned with a long-lasting peaceful relationship, might argue his method of conflict resolution was highly effective. However, his technique is frowned upon today (as tempting as it might feel in our darker moments).

Reality Stinks

Step one is realize that even the finest communicators — with the more honorable intentions — occasionally find themselves in hot water. Communication is far from an exact science, and even when it’s not our fault, the Big Hairy Argument Monster still tromps into our lives. We cannot avoid him; try as we may.

So, when you find yourself at loggerheads with a co-worker, customer, or spouse or life partner, it’s essential to understand that how you handle it makes an enormous, long-lasting difference. By making a simple agreement in how to disagree, we add a basic structure that keep things moving forward, clears things up quicker, and prevents long-lasting, lingering bad feelings, which could damage the relationship. In my workshop presentation, “Oops, I didn’t Mean it To Come out that Way,” I go over some simple tools to help out, following is one of those rules.

Four Simple Rules for Disagreements

[Read more…]

Handling Conflict Better

March 28, 2011 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

In conflict, begin each sentence with “I feel…” rather than “You did…”

Don’t interrupt during the reply.

Everything seems crazy these days.

That’s causing us to feel overwhelmed, overloaded, and stressed out; the perfect combination to get us into disagreements with the people we care about and those with whom we work.

Should you find yourself in that most unhappy state, it’s important to remember that the main thing is to get resolution, not to “one up” the other. (After all, how well do you react when someone tries to “one up” you?”)

[Read more…]

“We Need to Tone it Down on Both Sides”

January 11, 2011 by Scott "Q" Marcus

There was a tragedy in Tucson last week which involved the shooting deaths of six innocent people and the wounding of more than a dozen, including the congress woman, Gabrielle Giffords, who represents that area. I’m sure you’re aware of it; you’d have to live in a hole to not to be.

At this writing, this horrific event does not seem motivated as much by politics (e.g. the Oklahoma Bombing) as it is by the fact that the shooter was mentally unstable, such as those at Columbine. (I’m sure this is small comfort to the families of the victims.) The fact that I can list examples (and I could provide more) of various shootings “by name” – and that you can understand the references – is a sad, discerning comment about the level of violence in which we find ourselves. As for the cause of the event, finger-pointing began per schedule. Blame will be assessed, and as with a New Year’s resolution, promises will be made. For a brief moment, our awareness will be heightened and actions might be be taken. Unfortunately, also like those resolutions, these commitments will be abandoned in short order.

Positive Result?

One positive outcome arising from this tragedy (if “positive” can be the label applied to anything that comes of it) is the heightened scrutiny on the tone of the political discourse during this fractious era. Only time will tell if it was a partial cause in the shooter’s break with humanity; but it cannot be a bad thing to examine. [Read more…]

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