mistake Archives » This Time I Mean It

Overcoming the Negative

xxxFebruary 14, 2012 by Featured Author Leave a Comment

It’s impossible to go through life without experiencing negativity.

A cheating spouse, a horrible boss, a conniving friend or family member; the list is endless, and we’ve all had at least one negative experience in our lives. It’s important, however, that we overcome those negative people and experiences so that we can learn, move on, and live.

Here’s how I overcame a negative personal experience.

I dated someone for nearly seven years and was expecting for us to grow old together, happily-bickering into our late years. I was sorely mistaken, so mistaken in fact that I was caught off guard when he broke up with me… over a social network. I later found out that he had been cheating on me for quite some time.

My initial reaction to the break-up was to harp on the fact that not only had he broken up with me, someone he claimed to love, in such an insensitive, cruel way, but on top of everything he had been so conniving as to be unfaithful. I just couldn’t let it go; it consumed me and was all I could think about. I was stuck. I couldn’t begin moving on because I wasn’t allowing myself; I was just so concentrated on being outraged with the way he had treated me and our relationship. Now, nearly a year after this experience, I have a completely different perspective. Like that Cardigans song, “You live, you learn,” and here is what I learned one needs to do to overcome a negative experience:

Analyze Your Situation

My mistake in overcoming my negative experience was harping on what this man had done to me. What we need to do when something negative happens to us, is understand that:

It happened.
Someone else perpetrated the negative action brought against us.
We cannot control what that person decided to do.

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It’s OK to Make Mistakes

xxxSeptember 5, 2011 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

People will love you even if you make mistakes.

They just expect you to admit them and try and correct them.

Think about how you react to someone who made a mistake and then owned up to it versus someone who refuses to admit she’s wrong. It’s not that people expect us to be perfect any more than we expect them to be perfect.

We expect mistakes.

We also expect honesty and a sincere desire to make right on those mistakes.

Try something new. Make a mistake. Own it. Ask for help.

And then move on – and do it all over again.

Note: Every Monday, a new motivational memo is posted. Subscribers to ThisTimeIMeanIt.com’s coaching service get this – and many more benefits – sent to them directly. If you’d like to know more, follow this link.

Accepting Compliments Helps Avoid Bad Habits

xxxJuly 18, 2011 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

A compliment denied is punishment self-inflicted.”

We are very quick to beat ourselves up – and incredibly slow to congratulate ourselves. We also tend to dismiss it when others do, by showing off our “big but.” You know…

A friend says, “Wow! You look like you’ve lost a whole lot of weight! You look great!”

We reply, “Yeah, but, I’ve got so far to go.”

Or, someone says, “You are a great mom! I can’t believe how well you take care of your children.”

And again, “Yeah, but, you should have seen me last week. I was like a banshee.”

There is a tremendous difference between being proud of what we do and being conceited. Each time we deny a compliment — or beat ourselves up over a mistake – we avoid the opportunity to feel good. That engages our habit (whether that be eating, drinking, smoking, stress…) and we end up feeling worse, furthering the drive to engage in the habit.

Remember, if guilt & shame were motivational, we’d all be happier, healthier, and more successful.

Enjoy a compliment this week – and pass one on.

Note: Every Monday, a new motivational memo is posted. Subscribers to ThisTimeIMeanIt.com’s coaching service get this – and many more benefits – sent to them directly. If you’d like to know more, follow this link.

How to Change Your Habits to be Happier, Healthier and More Productive

xxxJune 8, 2011 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

Most of life is done by rote.

For most of us, alarm clocks buzz the same time every morning. The average grocery store stocks over 38,000 items; yet the standard shopper goes to the same store every week, usually on the same day, and chooses from the same few dozen items every outing. We become brand loyal, eating our meals at approximately the same period every day, leave for work at a uniform time, drive a standard route, and return home at a consistent hour every night. Evenings consist of consuming one of a few “favorite” dinners. Entertainment consists of books or magazines from a few select genres and a stable of favorite authors; or maybe a regular line-up of TV shows, which we watch while sitting in “our usual place,” and snacking — or not — on the same foods we had yesterday at the same time. At day’s end, we retire at the same time, even sleeping with the same person (hopefully), only to repeat these patterns come dawn.

This is not to suggest we are unimaginative, bland, nor boring; rather to illustrate that we are creatures of habit; no if’s, and’s, or butt’s about it.

Reality is these habits make life easier. Picture the above scenario where every single day consisted of an entirely new routine. Exciting? Sure — for a little while. After that, just plain exhausting.

The downside of a life assembled on a foundation of habits are the “side effects;” those unexpected results of our patterns. Make no mistake however; they are every bit as much a part of the habit as are the results we seek. For example, if I’m bored, I eat. If I’m angry, I eat. If I’m sad, I eat. It’s a common routine. It allows me to feel better fast. After all, chips or ice cream not only alleviate boredom, but also go a long way toward holding negative feelings at bay — for the short term. The side effect is a weight gain. I get to feel good quickly, for the simple price of obesity long term.

Conversely, some people read a book when bored; when sad, call a friend; and when angry, take a brisk walk. (There is a clinical term for such folks: “Skinny.”) Whereby their habits also provide comfort, the side effects are healthier. Should I long for such results, I must also develop similar habits.

The thing is that it’s extremely difficult to “drop” habits. Since their sole purpose is to fill voids, simply abolishing them make those holes more painful. This in turn, triggers the very behavior we were trying to banish — which puts our actions at odds with our feelings. In a case like that, emotions almost always win out and the habit — and its side effects — strengthens.