In the end, all that is left of any of us are the memories in those we touched.
As they say, no one will every say, ” I wish I worked more,” or “My only regret is that I didn’t have a better car.”
5 Rules for a Happy Marriage
I am now the father of two married sons.
Until last week, I was the father of one married son and one engaged son. Last weekend, the elder Marcus and his fiancée exchanged vows at a lovely ceremony filled with joy, laughter and happy tears (most of which were mine). Toasts were made. Shouts of “mazel tov” rang from the ceiling. Well wishes were abundant. I’m sure they’re going to do really well.
However, that’s not the case for so many. As I learned many years ago,
“Fifty percent of all marriages end in divorce. Of those that remain, 90 percent end in boredom. If you want to be the five percent that stay happy, it’s going to take some work.”
To that end, I’ve looked back on over two decades of being in a happy, supportive marriage with my lovely, talented, creative (very patient) wife and I pass along my own take on how to stay married – and happy – over the long term.
Rule #1: Love your partner for who she is today, not whom you think you can make her into “down the road.”
Assume she is as good a partner as she’ll ever be RIGHT NOW. Don’t believe that living together will make her “come around” to your thinking. If she has what you consider annoying traits, don’t make the blunder of thinking how you’ll change them after you’re married. Accept her as she is; not who you’ll think she’ll be. If she’s not who you desire now, she sure as heck won’t be later.
Rule #2: Realize that there are three — not two — entities in your relationship.
Your Life Stories
In college, a good friend of mine introduced himself to others not with the rote “How are you,” but rather, “Hi, I’m Tom. What’s your story?”
It threw me off, as it always seemed abrasive. I dismissed it as maybe some kind of “raised-in-Brooklyn thing.” Yet, I couldn’t overlook the responses he received.
After the usually initial reaction of shock, those that did not reply with “Huh?” opened themselves up with a sometimes startling level of intimacy, revealing not what they did for a living or reciting the social version of name, rank, and serial number; but rather where they had been, how they felt, and what made them tick.
Each of us carries with us a story waiting to be told, given the right opportunity.
Equally true is that we all ascribe storylines to people we see, which may or may not be accurate. As long as we’re into this area of metaphor, it’s the counterpart of judging a book by its cover. [Read more…]
Getting Out of My Own Way
Of late, I’ve taken on yet another new assignment.
I’m “chat coaching,” a steep-learning-curve experience I assure you.
Should you be unfamiliar with chat coaching, I shall explain. I log into a website from my home computer, which is connected to a main server in cyberspace. On the other side of the void, should someone need guidance, they click on a button on their screen and their “call” is routed to me on my computer. He or she types. I reply via the same method. If you were asking, “Wouldn’t it be easier with a phone?” The answer is probably “yes.” However, that’s not how it works and I’ve agreed to the terms. To be honest, I’m actually growing to enjoy the procedure – short of the carpal tunnel issues for which I must be on guard.
In effect, this type of communication can be best analogized as a very slow moving conversation, especially since the policies require appropriate grammar, correct spelling, and avoiding emoticons and abbreviations (like “BTW” or “LOL”). The repercussions of having such time in between transactions allow one’s thoughts to drift, which lends itself to me making judgments — fair or otherwise — about who is on the other end, based entirely on how long it takes for a reply and what shows up when it happens.
With that as backstory, today someone logged in and began the conversation with the most ridiculously moronic questions.
“Really?” I thought, “Are you serious?”
Her query was so “beyond the pale,” that I first assumed I had snared a “troll.” (No, not the long-haired, full-bellied, naked toys of the seventies. Rather these are nasty individuals who enjoy annoying, frustrating, or insulting other people in cyberspace, merely because they can get away with it.)
Yet, with the passage of a few paragraphs of correspondence, I understood that the young woman on the other end wasn’t trolling, but was instead severely developmentally disabled. Obviously, her skill set allowed use of the system but her text was burdened with so many typos, it was near impossible to untangle, and the speed at which she replied would make a beginning typist feel like a thirty-year executive secretary. But most importantly, she couldn’t grasp even the simplest concepts.
[Read more…]
Dealing with Holiday Food Pushers and Food Cops
From Hanukkah gelt to peppermint bark to reindeer cookies; you can’t toss a Santa hat three feet without it landing in a mountain of sweet, sugary treats this time of year.
The holidays also bring out two characters extremely challenging to dieters attempting to stay the course through the most difficult time of year. So, in the interest of peaceful family get-togethers and company parties, I provide advice on how to deal with the ever-present “Food Police” and “Food Pushers.”
One can tell when the former is within earshot because you’ll hear: “Is that on your diet?” or “Should you be eating that?” Unfortunately, no matter how carefully worded and lovingly delivered, it always comes across as (delivered in the tone of a schoolyard taunt), “Neener-neener-neener! I caught you cheating!”
First tip: Override the initial reaction to share what you are eating rather forcefully by shoving it in his face.
The sad truth is that will not make the situation better; worse yet, your next meal might be served through bars.
On the other extreme is the “Food Pusher,” who sings a different carol, attempting to stuff you with all manner of delights. One recognizes her by the guilt-inducing expressions, “I made it just for you” or “One bite won’t hurt.”
Although these personality types appear opposites —one at-tempts to keep you from what you want and the other is forcing on you what you don’t — they are actually related. Each person’s is really trying to help you be happier. The “cop” does this by attempting to keep you on the straight and narrow, while the other provides “permission” to relax and cut loose.