This Time I Mean It

Getting Past What Holds You Back with Baby Boomer Weight Loss Expert Scott 'Q' Marcus

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Ask first. Talk Later.

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We are “hard-wired” to answer questions, correct?

(See, in your head, you HAD to answer that – even if you disagreed!)

Could I Ask You a Question?

If we really want to have closer relationships and we want to get more from those with whom we associate, we have to:

  1. Listen
  2. Ask questions
  3. Refrain from judgment
  4. Look for consensus

Telling someone what you want without listening to what he or she wants might get you what you need. But, listening first is a more reliable strategy and will probably get both of you what you want.

And isn’t that a better choice?

(See, you answered again!) [Read more…]

Seeking Long-Term-Relationship, Must Share Common Values

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We are imperfect beings; therefore so too are our relationships.

We engage mouth before activating brain. We dismiss our partner’s concerns as irrelevant. We can be inconsiderate, petty, or cranky. It’s part of the human condition; we mess up, and since we live with others, we hurt them. We don’t intend to — but we cannot deny that we do. It matters not how much energy you put into it, nor how long you’ve been together; even the finest relationships cause some pain.

At our end of days, should we be so fortunate to take inventory of our most important relationships and can proclaim them as  “good” more times than not; then indeed they were “good.”

A successful long-term-relationship is not without flaw; rather, it:

  • Incurs less damage during conflicts
  • Recovers from that hurt more quickly and fully
  • Tilts the scale in the direction of “happy” rather than “unhappy”

Short of choosing the wrong partner — those whose relationships fall asunder did not necessarily disagree more often than those with “good” relationships. Instead they had unrealistic expectations, conflating conflict with failure; and did not possess a method to handle disagreement when it raised its unpleasant, but unavoidable, head.

When any relationship is smack dab in the midst of a “rough patch,” our initial reaction is to flee the pain.

[Read more…]

Do You Have it in You?

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I have a theory that I believe strongly influences whether or not we succeed at what we want.

I understand that’s a big promise and it’s going to take a bit of explanation, so bear with me.

My hypothesis: When we are happy with our actions, we take credit for them. When not, we blame them, not us. In effect, good results are internalized; bad results are externalized. This is critical because where we place that control determines our future results.

For example, you surprise your husband with a thoughtful gift for no reason other that being a loving life-partner. He walks in the door unaware and discovers the trinket — with a loving note — centered on the coffee table, asking, “What prompted this?” Per my premise, because you’re pleased with yourself for being so considerate, your reply will be internalized. “I just wanted to do something nice for you; no special reason.” Notice you spoke in first person; you owned the action.

As another illustration, the results of your diet are finally showing; and the scale, the measuring tape, and your friends’ comments are all reflecting it.

“You look great!” says your friend. “What are you doing?”

Your reply: “I’m eating better and exercising more.”

See? When happy, we lay claim to our actions.

Yet, should the situation be frustrating or what we deem as unsuccessful, we abandon it quicker than one can shrug his shoulders and say, “Who me?” [Read more…]

Perfectionism & Gun Controls – Regarding the Aurora Colorado Shooting

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When people ask what I do for a living, I reply, “I am the C.R.P. of ThisTimeIMeanIt.com.”

When further prompted what that stands for, I explain, “Chief Recovering Perfectionist.” Although I obviously chose that title to be playful, there’s an important reality at play.

We’ve all had periods where we felt we are settling for less than we could be. We’re disappointed, not only with “the way things are,” but also more importantly, with ourselves. It is only out of such frustration that action is born. After all, no one wakes up one morning and says, “Wow! I love my life, let’s see how I can change it.” We change because we’re unhappy, often proclaiming,

“TODAY will be my new dawn, my Genesis, my new beginning. TODAY is day one of the perfect new me; I’ll finish everything on my assignment list; I’ll clean the house; I’ll be the perfect spouse with the perfect attitude. I’ll be perfect on my diet and my budget; I’ll even find time to exercise. TODAY will be perfect.”

As exciting as that sounds in theory, the reality is when we then analyze the line-up of everything necessary to achieve such high standards, we grasp how much work it’s going to take and rationalize that we can always start TOMORROW; putting it off, choosing to accomplish nothing rather than something.

Aiming for perfection is not only a barrier to getting things done; it’s an excuse to avoid attempting them.

After all, if my definition of success is to accomplish EVERYTHING — and logically I know that’s not going to happen — why even bother? I mean why attempt something I know I won’t accomplish? As the bumper sticker I saw in college said, “Flunk now, avoid the June rush.”

With that as preamble, there is a real-world example of how perfectionism is preventing societal improvement, and, in my opinion, causing future agony on yet unknown victims.

[Read more…]

Dealing with Negative Attitudes

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When a freight train attitude is coming at you, get out of the way!

Often, we see someone coming at us with a horrible attitude. We think we can “fix them” by being positive. The reality is those type of folks are far better about getting you into their sour attitude than you will ever be about getting them into a better attitude.

Don’t try to change their attitude, instead realize it’s not about you, it’s about them. Step to the side and let the freight train go past.

If you stand in front of it, you’ll simply be part of the wreckage.

[Read more…]

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Scott "Q" Marcus
707 834.4090
scottq@thistimeimeanit.com
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