Overcoming Perfectionsim Archives » Page 7 of 14

How and Why to Stop Using the Word “Should”

August 30, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

My friend (and fellow speaker) Mike Robbins, posts a great comment on use of the word should on his blog today. Since that’s one of my favorite topics, I replied at his blog. However, I also wanted to put my comments here. Please add yours too!

You prompted a big one for me!

As a “recovering perfectionist,” I realized that I never measured up so when I lost my weight, I gave up on the word “should” as I realized that was a word used by the “invisible committee of they” to run my life. “You should be a better dad!” “You should be skinnier!” “You should be richer, smarter, taller, faster…” They were messages comparing me to an unattainable ideal with the sole purpose to make me feel bad.

And, on top of that, to whom do you try and explain? There’s no “court of appeal” that gives you the option to learn. THEY just tell you that you’re not good enough.

So, I decided I wouldn’t use the word anymore. However, a good friend of mine became concerned and pointed out that “should” is also the “moral word.” It’s what tells us how to be “good people” and if we don’t do what we “should” do, we might be “bad” (poor choice of words – but I’m sure you get it) people.

I gave some thought to that and was able to work it out by coming up with 3 questions. When I feel like I “should” do something, I ask myself these 3 questions in order:

1) Do I NEED to do that?
This takes care of my responsibilities, such as exercise, doctor’s visits, paying taxes, etc. I might not like doing them, but it’s the “adult” thing to do and the price for not doing them is too high.

2) Do I WANT to do that?
I believe we never grow up, we merely become “wrinkled kids.” That inner child still has dreams. They must be acknowledged. So, this is where I go for walks, relax, play. I don’t “need” to do these per se but life is too bland without them.

3) In the answer to the first 2 questions is “no,” I ask myself: If the roles were reversed, would I want someone else to do this for me?
That takes care of the moral responsibilities. I don’t “need” to donate to charity. I might not even “want” to donate to charity (as example). But should I ever be on the receiving end, Id’s sure hope someone else was there giving. So, I donate…

By using these 3 questions, I have dropped the word “should” completely and I lead a happier, healthier, moral life. I hope it helps.

Three Types of Dieters…

August 22, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus

There are three types of people in this world: those who are good at math, and those who are not.

Okay, it’s an old joke, but I always get a chuckle out of it.

There are three types of dieters.

We shall begin with the “Planners.”

Similar to accountants, engineers, and folks who have to make sure all the “T’s” are crossed, and all the “I’s” are dotted, I assume these folks are proficient with project management software, budgets, contracts, and run a tight, well-organized ship at home. They tackle weight loss with the same fervor and methodology they would build a bridge: detailed efficiency and a clear eye on the goal. They determine how many pounds must be shed by which date, divide by number of weeks, calculate average weight loss, establish the necessary “additional calorie burn” per day – and plot a path to the end point.

“Planners” will have detailed food journals (“three and half ounces of chicken, baked at 350 degrees; long-grain rice, one half cup; broccoli, steamed – with a 1/8 teaspoon of olive oil”). They will often proudly also share a graph of their progress coupled with spreadsheets projecting future trends with appropriate predicted goal dates. Planners schedule their lives to hit their objective, and by golly, they’ll do it.

Planners — and their willingness to rearrange day-to-day living to achieve what matters to them — impress me.

I however, would not receive that moniker.

I reside much more on the right side of the brain, falling within the “Modifiers” label.

Although some might call us “unorganized,” I take umbrage at that descriptor, as I am quite orderly. I simply find it difficult to stick with one task from beginning to end without breaks along the way. I get things done — and at the risk of being immodest — I am told I do them well. However, I’m not a “black and white” kind of guy. Don’t weigh me down with details and specifics. Tell me where you need to be and I’ll get us there; just let me figure out the roads we take, and I assure you, we’ll both be happier.

We are artists, philosophers, and motivators. [Read more…]

Perfectionism & Gun Controls – Regarding the Aurora Colorado Shooting

July 25, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus

When people ask what I do for a living, I reply, “I am the C.R.P. of ThisTimeIMeanIt.com.”

When further prompted what that stands for, I explain, “Chief Recovering Perfectionist.” Although I obviously chose that title to be playful, there’s an important reality at play.

We’ve all had periods where we felt we are settling for less than we could be. We’re disappointed, not only with “the way things are,” but also more importantly, with ourselves. It is only out of such frustration that action is born. After all, no one wakes up one morning and says, “Wow! I love my life, let’s see how I can change it.” We change because we’re unhappy, often proclaiming,

“TODAY will be my new dawn, my Genesis, my new beginning. TODAY is day one of the perfect new me; I’ll finish everything on my assignment list; I’ll clean the house; I’ll be the perfect spouse with the perfect attitude. I’ll be perfect on my diet and my budget; I’ll even find time to exercise. TODAY will be perfect.”

As exciting as that sounds in theory, the reality is when we then analyze the line-up of everything necessary to achieve such high standards, we grasp how much work it’s going to take and rationalize that we can always start TOMORROW; putting it off, choosing to accomplish nothing rather than something.

Aiming for perfection is not only a barrier to getting things done; it’s an excuse to avoid attempting them.

After all, if my definition of success is to accomplish EVERYTHING — and logically I know that’s not going to happen — why even bother? I mean why attempt something I know I won’t accomplish? As the bumper sticker I saw in college said, “Flunk now, avoid the June rush.”

With that as preamble, there is a real-world example of how perfectionism is preventing societal improvement, and, in my opinion, causing future agony on yet unknown victims.

[Read more…]

Using The Human Condition To Make A Change

July 24, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

By guest author Josh Landson

Many people have equated human nature with human condition and use this connection to justify delaying or outright avoiding difficult decisions. The fact of the matter is that the phrases are very different from one another. Human nature refers to the instincts that we have: the ways in which we act and think without the influence of our upbringing and culture. The human condition is the opposite of human nature: it is a combination of the social, personal, and cultural aspects of our being. The human condition is extremely important in our lives because it allows us to rise above our nature.

When a person says that human nature is the reason they cannot make a decision in their lives, they should be challenging themselves to overcome their biological design. In many cases, a person resigns themselves to their fate, stating that ‘whatever happens, happens.’ However, the reason that human beings have achieved so much in our short history and triumphed above all other organisms is that we strive beyond what is expected of us and do what seems impossible. For many people, settling for whatever happens is a defense mechanism. If you do not make a decision, you do not have to be responsible for the repercussions.

In order to get past this monumental roadblock, a person has to tap into their human condition.

It requires a complete change in the way you think. If you are avoiding change and denying decision making, you have to realize that your action is in itself a decision! The decision you are making is not to act. Thus the consequences are your responsibility just the same as if you had acted.

There is another reason why people avoid or delay making a change.

Most of the time, people do not trust themselves over a decision. They think they aren’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough, and so on. This insecurity plagues every individual and it takes a lot of mental courage to overcome it. However, our human condition tells us that we are capable of achieving great things. If you are going to make a monumental decision, take a minute to do a mental exercise: take all of your presuppositions about your weakness to be true, and picture what the worst outcome would be. Now think about how you can rebuild from that outcome. You will find soon enough that your human condition allows you to work out any problem if you apply enough effort and determination.

Lastly, if you are still hesitant about making a change in your life, think about the historical precedents we have. Think about what would have happened if Martin Luther King Jr. was too afraid to make a stand for civil rights, or if Gandhi didn’t fight for the poor, or if no one stood up to the likes of Hitler. There have been many life changing events in history that wouldn’t have occurred without some very brave people. And you have the exact same human nature as them! Avoiding and delaying decision making will lead to a lot of mental turmoil and self-doubt. Although you may be uncertain about a change in your life, if you do not venture down that path it is something you’re likely to regret for a long time.
[Read more…]

Labeling Results Determines Future Results

July 19, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

Recently, I stumbled upon some noteworthy details.

First factoid: Supposedly (I say “supposedly” as I’m not sure of its veracity), the average overweight American needs to shed 38 pounds to level the scales at his correct weight. Obviously, some must lose more, and some less. Yet, should one take the collective poundage our citizenry must remove to be healthy, and divide it by the number of citizens who must drop those pounds; the resulting number would be just shy of 40.

Factoid two: That same “average American,” upon deciding to rid himself of the above mentioned 38 pounds, usually quits prior to 16 weeks; a shade less than four months.

The final datum is that — despite pie-in-the-sky claims made by “miracle weight loss cures” falsely proclaiming one can drop five to ten pounds a week — an “average” healthy, sustainable (two important distinctions) weight loss is between one-half and two pounds per week. Let’s split the difference down the middle and declare that number to be one and a quarter pounds every seven days.

From these bits of information, we can make a central deduction.

If the “average person” desirous of losing the “average amount of weight” sheds the “average amount per week” and quits in the “average number of weeks,” he will be approximately half way to his goal when he throws in the towel. (Sixteen weeks multiplied by 1.25 pounds per week = 20 pounds; just the other side of the midway point of 38.)

This prompts a quasi-philosophical question: Is one a “success” or “failure” if she drops 20 pounds, when in actuality, her goal is 38? It’s one of those “half-empty, half-full” scenarios.

The greater issue is not how many pounds one might lose, but how one views how many pounds she has lost.