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You are here: Home / Archives for humor

Picking Favorites

March 6, 2013 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

I own a fake leather red jacket.

Well, I guess that’s not an accurate description; the jacket is not fake. It’s real – and it is indeed bright red. What’s bogus is the “leather.” It appears to me to be leather but it’s really not. It’s way too thin.

Anyway, I’m distracted; let me start again.

I have a red faux-leather jacket. It has a simulated  pocket (notice I cleverly avoided the use of the word “fake”) on the left breast area with a label specifying the brand. I didn’t know that was the emblem of a certain designer brand as I’m oblivious to those sorts of details, and would most likely remain so if not for my friends pointing it out (and being duly impressed). So, I guess I could say I possess a designer jacket.

the red jacket

That didn’t matter to me as I purchased it because:

  • I was cold
  • The jacket made me look “hip” (as much as a 58-year old guy can look “hip”)
  • It was marked down at an outlet store to fit my budget

Now you know how I make buying decisions. Oops, I’m getting off-track again…

Take three… I possess a jacket.

It’s become my favorite jacket. I use any excuse to wear it (which makes for some not very positive fashion statements). It doesn’t keep me very warm, and where I live, that is problematic. Yet, it also doesn’t stop me — like the post office, neither rain, nor sleet, nor dark of night will stop me from putting on my thin, faux-leather, ruby-colored, favorite jacket. (Besides, on cold days, the red shade goes well with my blue skin.)

Okay Scott, focus!

Back to the matter at hand, it’s my “favorite.” That’s what I keep trying to point out. I have a great deal of outerwear (reference previous comment about our local climate), but this particular covering is top of the list (although I have a gray wool overcoat that vies for the title – but I don’t want to get sidetracked again).

I find it fascinating that that we choose “favorites.”

[Read more…]

Filed Under: humor, Newspaper Column Tagged With: change, changing habits, excuse, favorite places, habit change

Finding Competition Where None Exists

January 16, 2013 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

At what age do men stop with the “hyper macho” routine?

I mean, really; there comes a time when women are no longer impressed, other men don’t care, and the most plausible outcome is you’re going to hurt yourself doing something dumb.

Before you think I’m talking trash about someone else, I’ll come clean; the question is rhetoric; I’m referring to myself. What makes this mystery more opaque is I’m not even a “macho” kind of guy; I’m more the “sensitive, touch-feely” type. After all, I watch Glee, I own several pair of shoes, I accessorize, eat tofu, and, truth be known, I’ve been know to shed a tear or two during “chick flicks.” (But I’ll try and hide it.)

 

Recently, I joined a gym so I could take Zumba classes.

(By the nature of the fact that the driving force to enroll was to attend Zumba instead of weight lifting ought to tell you a little something about my “macho score” also.) While examining the schedule, I noticed a Yoga class that fits in my day. I’m feeling a bit soft around the middle and stiff along the edges so I consider attending. (Yoga? Yikes! Yet another telltale sign of non-machismo…)

Admittedly, I was a bit put off — and intrigued — by the title of the class: Yoga for Stiff People. I mean, from a marketing point of view, it’s perfect. It sets up an image and it tells you what to expect. However, from an I’m an-aging-guy-who-lives-in-denial-and-refuses-to-admit-that-I’m-getting-older perspective, I considered it too easygoing. After all, my veins are coursing with testosterone, you know? I need a “challenge.”

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Baby Boomers, Exercise, humor, Newspaper Column Tagged With: adorni center, aging, exercise, gym memberships, humor, machismo, testosterone, weight lifting, yoga class, zumba

Top Diets for the Year

December 19, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus

It’s the most wonderful time of the year; ‘tis is the time for end-of-year lists.

Soon we shall (whether we want to or not) know the Top Songs/Movies/Books/News Stories of the Year. TV hosts will interview the “Most Influential Celebrities.” In the past, publications have gone so far as to post a compilation of lists ranging from “Top Happiest Endings of the Decade” to “Worst Predictions” (which includes “A particle accelerator will end the world”). Therefore, in honor of the list spirit, I shall now bound confidently on to the bandwagon and provide — in no particular order — a compilation of some the most bizarre diets upon which I have the misfortune to stumble. (Yes, they are all real.)

Let us commence with the COOKIE DIET.

One eats one meal per day that must consist of six ounces of protein, as well as at least six of a unique type of cookie each day, for a grand total of 800 calories; about one-third the required intake to maintain a healthful body. Lose your weight and get rid of that pesky hale and hearty glow – all at once! But, mmm-mmm-mmm, sure tastes great! This proves that eating cookies to lose weight makes about as much sense as getting stabbed in the eye to forget about your earache.

After a long week, I plead guilty that a part of me welcomes the SLEEPING BEAUTY DIET.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Diet, Health, humor, Motivational Products Tagged With: diet fads, diets, fad diet, fad diets, making lists

“I’m freaking out! Call me please!”

November 25, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

One of the nicest adjectives applied to me is “avuncular,” the kindly, wise uncle-type.

Being courteous — as well as avuncular — I always shut off my phone while at the movies. Upon exiting, its screen exhibits “You have five voice mail messages.” My cell number is closely held, so that many messages unto itself is odd; even worse, they’re also all from the same young man from down south who regularly seeks my guidance. Seeing so many messages from him in a two-hour time span, I fear the worst and quickly tap the link for message one.

“Hey, it’s me, can you call me back when you get a chance? Later. Bye.”

His words say “casual” but he’s attempting to cover the dusting of nervousness sprinkling his tone.

Message two arrived 15 minutes later.

“Me again, just wondering if you got my last message. I know you’re busy, but when you have a minute, I need some advice and knew you could help… Okay, thanks.”

Anxiety is increasing but is still reigned in.

Twenty minutes later,

“I guess your cell is turned off. But, as soon as you turn it on, I really need you to call. It’s important. Please. I need your help.”

He’s pleading, abandoning the illusion of being off-the-cuff.

I would have phoned right then, but two messages remained, with what could be additional essential information. I listen to the next dispatch, which arrived 30 minutes ago. His frantic voice explodes from the speaker:

“I’m freaking out! Please, please, please call me back!! It’s urgent!”

My inner parent is red-lining. I really want to call, but feel it’s important to get the last piece of data — which turns out to be 180 degrees different in attitude; tranquil, peaceful, and calm like a placid lake:

“Never mind the previous calls. Sorry to bother you.”

Relieved, but confused, I dial his number.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Asking for help, humor, Newspaper Column Tagged With: anxiety, anxiety level, attitude, debts, guidance, humor, stress, wise uncle, worry

It Could Almost Always be Worse

October 31, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

If the economy is not doing well, don’t blame our house.

We’ve been pouring out enough cash to keep a crew of drunken sailors spending through re-enlistment.

It’s not necessarily because we want to; it’s just — well, you know — sometimes life kicks in. And when you own a house, it needs repairs. Unfortunately, they’re all at one time. We weighed the alternatives: save money versus living in a cave, but what can I say? We like the finer things — like walls.

Within the last week, we had to hire someone to cover up several patches on the house’s exterior where paint was peeling. Normally, my wife and I would do that, but the spots were near the roof and we didn’t have a ladder that long. (Besides, either of us on a high ladder? Not a good idea, even on the best days…)

While getting those walls retouched, we discovered windows with leaky frames. Ka-ching! That’ll set up back some coin. As it also turns out, the bathroom is leaking like a sieve in to the garage. It turns out we are putting a plumber to work now too, and — because of said leak — might also hire a carpenter. We sure hope so! We just love stimulating the local economy!

As they say in those TV ads, “But, wait! There’s more!”

Every year, we avoid turning on our home’s heater until November first. Since October can be chilly, we practically sleep in parkas, while donning sweaters and jackets all day long. I’m not complaining (much), because we save a few dollars — as well as feel we’re being good stewards of the environment. I don’t know if you’ve looked at a calendar, but — Hooray! It’s November! “Sweet heater, bring unto us your warmth!”

Guess what. I flipped the switch, and, nothing. Nada. Silence. No wondrous balminess doth emanate from its magical vents. I’m just guessin’ here, but I’ll wager that repair won’t be a freebie.

As the adage goes, “When life gives you lemons, they’re usually really bitter, nasty, ones.”

Okay, maybe that’s not the expression, but it feels like it, because on top of the home repairs, a few family members have hit rough patches. We’re not codependent, but there’s also a set of priorities by which we live. So, when family needs you, you do what you can, which in this case involved our checking account.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: family, Gratitude, humor, Inspiration, mental health, Newspaper Column Tagged With: carpenter, disrepair, home maintenance, hurricane katrina, hurricane sandy, life gives you lemons, paint, perceptions, when life gives you lemons

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