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You are here: Home / Archives for humor

The First Step in Travelling Healthy

October 26, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

 Since the nature of a career of speaking to others about habit changes requires more than a fair amount of time “on the road,” it behooves me to master the skill of eating healthy while traveling. Else wise, surviving on the “100% muffin, cookie, and pretzel diet” offered in planes and airports would cause me to gain back my weight — resulting in the loss of my livelihood and taking with it any credibility I might have in writing this column.

As I put pen to paper (more accurately “keyboard to word processor”), I find myself determined finally to be successful in my travel and dieting endeavors.

“Failure to plan,” is “planning to fail.”

Therefore, utilizing all the marvels of the world wide web, I first researched which restaurants near my destination excel in “fit fare cuisine,” and printed out maps with walking directions from my hotel to said establishments. By forsaking taxicabs, I am ensuring that I will get the requisite activity level to prevent weight gain.

Furthermore, should my body be a temple, than notice is hereby given that only the pure shall henceforth be allowed passage.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Diet, humor, Newspaper Column, Weight Loss Tagged With: air travel, food diary, glycemic index, travel

When You’re All Out of Excuses, You Might Enjoy It

October 10, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

“So, Scott,” she said, “What are you going to do to get more in shape?”

“I’ve been considering more exercise.”

“Do you still ride a bike?”

“Not since the accident. Besides,” I justified, “It’s still broken.”

“Wasn’t that accident a year ago?”

(Looking at my feet, mumbling), “Um, yes.”

“How long until you repair it?”

“Um, I don’t know. Soon? I guess…” (my voice trailed into silence)

“Okay, that’s going nowhere. Are you still doing yoga?”

“Not since my bike accident.”

“I don’t see the correlation, but if you’re not riding your bike or doing yoga, what are you doing?”

Reaching, reaching, reaching… “Walking!” I snapped back. “Yeah, right! I walk soooo much now! Wow! I’m a walkin’ fool.”

“Good for you! Is it helping?”

“Um, no, not really.” (I returned to starting at my feet and mumbling.)

“Why don’t you do something else?”

“I don’t like anything else.”

“Really?! Out of all the possibilities, you can’t think of one single thing you’d enjoy?”

Realizing how silly I sounded, I decided — per Mark Twain — ‘twas better to keep my mouth shut and be thought a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt.

They had me cornered; they were circling. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Exercise, humor, Newspaper Column, Self Talk, Weight Loss Tagged With: attitude, bike accident, coordination, exercise, fun, humor, yoga, zumba

Of Acne and Pant Sizes

September 26, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

I am reminded of my teen years.

One of the most tortuous events of adolescence is the explosion of pimples on one’s facial landscape. Unbeknownst to most, these bulbous, bloated, bulging beacons of embarrassment have an intelligence of their own and connive to materialize at the worst possible moment — and in the most awful location. Therefore, it is guaranteed that the morning of the formal prom, one will be greeted in the mirror by a gargantuan red, inflamed, swollen one-inch zit on the tip of your nose. Take it to the bank.

Most people (yes, teens are people) are too polite to say anything when you appear to all the world like a caricature of W.C. Fields, any sinus commercial, and Bozo the Clown. Your day is spent inventing reasons why you cannot move your hand from the front of your face because even though you’ve tried to conceal the damage with two pounds of blemish makeup (causing your skin to develop the oh-so-attractive, tomb-like cast of a mannequin), Captain Blackhead unflinchingly stands out front taunting, “Don’t look him in the eyes; instead gawk intently at his red, puffy, swelling.”

Ah, such special memories…

Acne might be a thing of my past, but the feelings of embarrassment are identical to when I feel bloated from excess consumption. My stomach becomes a radio station, broadcasting on all channels:

“This is a test of the emergency mortification system; for the next 60 minutes, please don’t look anywhere else. Glare unblinkingly at his immense, distended, belly while pointing in a mocking fashion. Should this have been a real emergency, you would have been instructed to add humiliating comments. This is only a test.”

[Read more…]

Filed Under: humor, Newspaper Column, Weight Loss Tagged With: adolescence, bozo the clown, embarrassment, overeating, pant size, pimples, tight pants, waist size

My Dog Doesn’t Understand Why We’re Jogging

September 5, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus

Fret not; that thumping, rhythmic, heavy pulsing sound behind you is not the noise of Heaven and Earth colliding.

Rather, ‘tis the pounding of my sneakers as they hit the pavement while I jog. Yes, you read that correctly. I am now jogging. (Well, not this minute of course; it’s difficult to type while running.)

I had more excuses than a double bacon cheeseburger has calories to avoid huffing and puffing down the street. They ran the gamut from “I might pass out,” to “I’ll look silly.” (Of course the latter pre-supposes that I don’t naturally look “silly,” which might be up for debate.) Yet, recently, my walks have — at times — become my jogs.

What pray tell, you might ask, has caused this transformation on par with the changing of the earth’s axis?

I am the recipient of a neat-o, boss, whiz-bang, plaything that plugs into my computer called an accelerometer. As I understand, an accelerometer “knows” where it is in space. Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t know it is in Eureka or Portland, but it is able to discern when it moves from one location to another, and at what velocity. Therefore, while it is on my person; should I go to and fro, hither and yon, nigh and far, or up and down; it measures that movement and speed. After an initial multi-day “assessment,” it computes my baseline activity level and sets up a 12-week challenge, gradually increasing my activity level. The result is I become more active, and hence, healthier — and hopefully thinner.

Each evening (as well as an obsessive number of times per day), I place it still on a flat surface to watch the ring of green LEDs glow. Should at least four of the six do so, I’m at 100% of my daily goal. Oh happy day! On the contrary, should I receive less than four, I better get moving.

At day’s end, I realized I forgot to check my progress.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Excuses, Exercise, humor, Newspaper Column Tagged With: accelerometer, activity, exercise, exercise plan, jogging, running, Weight Watchers Active Link

Good, Fun, Playful Example of a Brain Study

August 24, 2012 by Scott "Q" Marcus

If you can read this OUT LOUD you have a strong mind.

And better than that: Alzheimer’s is a long, long, way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

If you can read the following paragraph, share it with your friends. Supposedly only great minds can do so. (I’m not too sure about that, I read it.) This is weird, but interesting!

7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

U C4N R34D 7H15.

If you can read this, you have a strange mind, too. Only 55 people out of 100 can. [Read more…]

Filed Under: humor, Misc Tagged With: adult brain, alzheimer, brain study, mental health issues, strange mind, study

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