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You are here: Home / Archives for humor

Wisdom from my Hearing Aid

August 19, 2020 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

“Did you know that approximately one-third of all folks your age suffers from hearing loss?”

“What?”

Okay, before you jump on me for being insensitive to those who are hearing impaired, I am one of that one in three.

I also suffer from Tinnitus, which is described as a non-stop ringing in the ears. For me, it’s not a ringing; rather I live in my own private wind storm; there’s a constant hiss that serves as the soundtrack of my life. At times it’s a whisper, sometimes it’s a gale, yet it’s unrelenting. Most likely it’s the result of being a rock ‘n’ roll disc jockey from my teens into my thirties. Regrettably, it matters not how I contracted it, it makes itself known from the moment I rise until I fall asleep.

I thought that the unending whisper that accompanied me 24/7 was normal until I heard a public service announcement about it, raising my consciousness to its existence. Turning to my wife, I asked, “What do you hear when it’s silent?”

She looked at me as if I had two noses, perplexed,

“What do you mean, what do I hear when it’s silent? It’s silent. I don’t hear anything.”

“You don’t hear a hiss?”

“No, I don’t hear anything.”

Henceforth, I realized this was not the norm and began pursuing options to rid myself of it.

Although one will see ads for cures on social media and some experts claim that everything from Paxil to microdoses of LSD will alleviate the problem, there is no cure except patience and habituation, just getting used to it.

Once I became aware of my hearing issues, I also realized that I had to turn up the television to a deafening level, needed closed captions to follow the dialog, and annoyed the hell out of my life-partner by repeatedly asking her to speak up. Although vanity delayed me from seeking help, I finally decided that hearing better beat out the need to deny my aging and I was fitted for hearing aids.

They’re not your grandfather’s hearing aids.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Baby Boomers, humor, Newspaper Column, Power of Attitude Tagged With: aging, apps, health and happiness, health attitude, hearing, hearing aid, humor, old, quality of life

I am not getting older!

October 19, 2018 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

Recently, a most horrifying discovery was foisted upon me: my eyebrows contain more gray in them than they do brown.

Yikes! how does that happens, being I’m not yet old?

After all, at 64 I’m just entering the second third of my life.

Apparently, others – such as my wife – have known of this solemn condition for quite some time and have kept it from me; obviously not wanting to burst my bubble by saving me from the knowledge that Father Time has been schlepping across my face for years.

“Honey,” I said while examining closely in the bathroom mirror the wiry, frizzy, randomly-aimed, string-like gray filaments that inhabit my lower forehead, “Did you notice that my eyebrows have turned gray?”

“Yes,” said she, in the same manner that one would respond to the question, “Did you notice that I have a nose on my face?”

“You’re just realizing it now?” she asked.

Sheepishly – and somewhat defensively – I responded, “Uh, yeah. I don’t pay too much attention to my eyebrows. Besides,” I added, seeking a rationale, “I wear glasses; the frames hide them.”

Trying to be empathic (but failing, I might add), she continued, “Your hair has been gray for twenty years. What makes you think you’d keep those Groucho Marx caterpillar-like things forever? You’re getting older; things change.”

She paused. “By the way, how come you’re just noticing them now?”

“My play,” I answered, as if that would clarify everything.

“Your play?” she echoed, perplexed.

“Yes, I had to wear make-up when on stage. I don’t normally do that. Staring that closely at my face, I noticed my eyebrows.”

“Oh,” she said. “Welcome to what women deal with,” and left the bathroom, leaving me alone to examine my facial terrain. Not willing to tweeze them, I did opt to trim them. Despite my years, I absolutely refuse to look like Andy Rooney used to; a bridge too far.

Okay, I get it. I’m aging – but I’m still in denial.

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Baby Boomers, humor, Newspaper Column Tagged With: aging, humor, self acceptance, thankfulness

Memories of a Super Hero

October 3, 2018 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

 

It’s odd how — in the midst of a disaster — time freezes; each moment engraved unmovingly in granite.

Waves of heat lick my face.

Barely can I keep my eyes open; even if I could, it does no good because the smoke is too thick. The two children trapped with me on the platform are hugging my left leg, too terrified to move; inhibiting my abilities to save us. Sally, the younger one, buries her face in my pant leg, holding Sasha, her dolly, tight against her for protection.

“I’m scared,” she wails over the snapping sounds of fire. “I want my mommy!” With that, she clinches tighter, attempting to climb inside me, hoping to make herself big with my courage.

If she only knew, she wouldn’t even try. Inside, I am sand, not concrete. In front of us, I see Death, a wall of licking flames blocking us from the barn door and the cool safety outside.

Using one arm to try and comfort Jason and Sally, I use my other to hold a towel across my face; fending off suffocation. “We’ll be OK,” I shout at the kids, voice raised to be heard above the crackling inferno. “Help will be here in time.” I pause. “Help is on the way,” I repeat more quietly, more to assure myself than them.

What is taking so freakin’ long? Someone had to have noticed the thick smoke and called 911. Shouldn’t we be able to hear sirens by now?

There’s no time to wait; this is up to us. [Read more…]

Filed Under: humor, Misc, Newspaper Column, Personal Tagged With: children, hero, humor, life heroes

Living in Constant Uncertainty

November 8, 2017 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

My mother was an avid devotee of Deepak Chopra.

She read his books without end, made sure to record him whenever he was on TV, attended his lectures, and listened to his recordings when she took her morning walk.

You can imagine my surprise when she called me one New Year’s Day and blasted open the phone conversation with the bomb shell, “Don’t ever buy me anything else from Deepak Chopra!”

“Uh, hi Mom,” I stammered, “Happy New Year to you too. What happened? Did he kill or molest someone?”

“Oh goodness no! He’d never do anything like that. He’s a very nice man.”

One might understand my confusion trying to square that circle. “Okay, so why is he now persona non-grata?”

“Did you read what he said in the L.A. Times?”

“No mom. I live in Eureka.”

“Oh, yes, that’s right. Anyway, there’s a piece in the lifestyle section where the reporter asked several celebrities what they wish for their children in the coming year. I can’t believe what he said! I’m just so upset.”

She stopped. I could feel her fuming. [Read more…]

Filed Under: Baby Boomers, Beliefs, family, Happiness, Hope, Newspaper Column Tagged With: attitude, family, happiness, humor, options, possibilites, quality of life, relationships

I forgot what I was going to write about…

September 13, 2017 by Scott "Q" Marcus Leave a Comment

Memory is odd.

In a way, it’s kind of funny when you hear about people “losing” their glasses, only to realize that they’ve been wearing them all along. “Chuckle, chuckle, yeah, I’ve been there.”

It’s not as funny when you get to a certain age and it starts happening to you.

Alas, I am of such age. Lately, I’m finding myself more scatterbrained. Words don’t come to mind as quickly; I feel like my hard drive is buffering all the time. That’s annoying for anyone, but when you’re standing in front of a room full of people doing a presentation and you go blank, it’s embarrassing.

I find myself using the “find my phone” website more often than I post on social media.

Tablet in hand one moment, and the next second, it’s vanished like a snowflake in the Sahara. Not a trace, nowhere to be found. Rummaging through files, checking my backpack, inspecting bedding; I find squat; zilch, a big zero. Swearing like a drunken sailor, I pull up my computer and impatiently wait for the compass icon to stop swinging, eventually referencing that the tablet is here in my house.

“Where? I’ve looked all over,” I mutter impatiently, as if the computer will patiently reply. Clicking the button, “play sound,” a sonar-like beep reverberates through my office. My treasure was laying on my desk, next to my hard drive, clear as day. As they say, “If it was a snake, it would have bit me.”

It’s not just my iPad; if I don’t put my keys or wallet in the exact same location each time I come home, I can count on the fact that I’ll be searching for hours tomorrow. Since I wear my glasses all the time, I don’t have to worry about losing them – but my wife handles that frustration from her end.

“Have you seen my glasses?” She’ll ask.

“No,” I reply, “But I bet they’re next to my iPad. Find that and you’ll find both.”

Worried about what this portended, I checked out an AARP article: “Warning Signs of Dementia.”

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Baby Boomers, Health, humor, Newspaper Column Tagged With: aging, forgetfullness, forgetfulness, frustration, health, humor, memory

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