Be forewarned; the following appears to be two divergent thoughts with seemingly nothing in common with the title of this column. However, plug on; all shall coalesce by the conclusion.
Thought one: The Internet is like an office — on a really, really, really huge scale; it is filled with marvelous facts that can be extremely important (or completely useless). The predicament is finding them – and determining into which category they fit.
Thought two: Writers, such as myself, are periodically (but thankfully not often) faced with the curse of “writer’s block,” a dreaded affliction which attacks creative sorts. Its symptoms include, but are not limited to: stress, inability to focus, lack of inspired thought, and a blank stare (usually at an empty page). As deadline approaches — a rising sense of panic also wells up within one’s chest. Writer’s block also has a major side effect: the desire to consume uncontrollable amounts of sugary, snack-like substances.
Since such eating leads to guilt (and a protruding stomach), I have developed alternative, less-caloric methods to set free my Muse: an out of the ordinary technique involving internet search engines. (See, the topic is beginning to gel; aren’t you glad you stuck with me?) Instead of searching for subject matters, rather I pose questions.
For instance, it seemed apropos that this week, my message would involve a nod toward Valentine’s Day. Yet, my brain was a brick, solid, heavy, unmoving; nothing entered. So, I asked of the all-wise Google, “What healthy meal could I prepare on Valentine’s Day?” Forever obligingly (as I’m sure would be Yahoo), it provided me with 394,000 options in 0.13 seconds. Assuming three meals a day, and no duplication of recipes, it would take 359.81 years to try every meal listed. As much as I would love to be celebrating with my sweetheart in the year 2367, I find it unlikely; therefore I chose the first selection: Heart Healthy Dinner for Romance.
Developed by a nutritionist with many letters following her name, she suggested that to boost romantic tendencies in my partner, I should choose a meal with soluble fiber, omega-3 fatty acids, folates (which I thought one scraped on skin to smooth it), monounsaturated fats, and soy protein. Not the usual fare to which I am accustomed, I investigated further the type of banquet that would grace our table and discovered it would consist of lentils, beans, wheat germ, flaxseed oil, spinach, more lentils, fortified grains, yet more lentils, and soy milk. Recipes were included for Spinach Squares, bean salad with lentils, and steamed vegetables.
In my mind, I pictured a romantic repast for two, tablecloth newly ironed, candles aglow, with legumes as far as the eye can see. I imagined how healthy and proud of my accomplishments I would be come February 15 (which just so happens to be “This Time I Mean It Day“); what a role model! Shocked into reality by the realization that nowhere on this list is a single, solitary, piece of chocolate; I decided that’s just wrong, canned the whole harebrained scheme and queried the search engine, “Where can I find a chocolate sampler – quick!?”
