I am “goat-less.”

That’s most likely because I let too many things get my goat. Whether it’s an age-related thing or I’m just a grumpy guy, I know not – but I find myself quickly irritated of late.

My biggest goat-getter is tailgaters; drivers who follow too closely, especially on the freeway. My uncle used to slam on his brakes and scare the bejesus out them, watching in his rearview mirror as a look of terror flashed across their faces when they saw his brake lights blast, eventually causing them to back off assuming they were following a maniac (which might have been accurate). I’m not that foolish but I’ll own up to giving that action serious consideration.

Oh yes, another peeve… people in supermarkets who scrutinize their receipt while still in line.  Sure, be positive you’re not overpaying; I’m down with that. But would you mind inspecting the receipt AFTER you let the other shoppers move forward? And have you noticed that those folks are the same ones who argue over a one-cent discrepancy? Here’s your penny. Move on, pal; some of us have lives.

But my ultimate irritation stems from misleading weight loss ads;

…the ones that promise to reveal, “The secret the diet industry doesn’t want you to know,” or falsely boast, “Lose weight without changing a thing.”

Recently, I had to strap duct tape around my noggin to prevent it from exploding when I heard an ad about a diet discovery you mix with water and — voila! (yes, they really said “Voila!”) — you drop 10 pounds in a week!

Class, pull out your calculators; it’s math time.

The average woman requires about 1900 calories a day to maintain her weight (men need about 2500). To lose a pound a week (a realistic, healthy, sustainable loss), one must lower caloric input by about 3,500 in seven days. Therefore, to shed ten pounds in such time, he would have to drop 35,000 calories; 5,000 per day. To have that many excess calories roaming around one’s parts infers a daily intake of 7,000 or so calories. Want to put that it perspective? It’s approximately one dozen bacon cheeseburgers every 24 hours! (Burp!)

Can we be honest? If that resembles your standard diet, you’re aware you have “food issues.” Wouldn’t it make more sense to simply skip the fast food line?

But, let’s switch to another example. Keep your calculator at hand.

In the grocery store diet aisle, what do my little eyes spy but a “weight loss miracle drink”? Its instructions: “Mix four ounces with one glass of water four times a day and sip slowly.” It also greatly curtailed most other food. The beverage’s calorie count is 200 per serving so if all one consumed was four servings, that’s 800 calories. Throw in some light protein and a few veggies and you’re pushing 1,000 daily calories, approximately half the amount necessary to maintain one’s weight.

The result? Well, sure, you’d lose a couple pounds a week (not ten).

But wait! There’s more! You get the added benefits of hunger pains and periodic dizziness because most of your calories are coming from sugar with few other nutrients.

Two-pounds per week is considered by most experts to be on the fast end of healthy weight loss.

However, if you’ve got the willpower to starve yourself for several days, it seems like you would have the determination to simply fill your grocery cart with healthy foods and eat in a reasonable manner. (Of course, please examine your receipt after you’ve left the line.)