Beating Yourself Up Does Not Work

Don’t beat yourself up over what you are not doing well.

Remember when you were 18?nails-in-head

Yes, you were an adult. Yes, you might even have been a responsible adult. However, could the “18-year-old you” juggle all the responsibilities you now have and effectively run the life you have today?

The answer is obviously NO.

Even at your current age, there are tools and skills you do not have. More importantly, you don’t even know you don’t have them yet.

They will be there when you need them. Berating yourself will not make them appear any quicker. Quite the contrary, it will help you feel bad and make you more inclined to give up.

There are tools to life you do not have right now. You will have them when you need them.

By the way, you have tools you no longer need. It’s OK to let them go. [Read more...]

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Yes Dear, Whatever You Say Dear…

I’ll admit it; I’m wimpy when it comes to confrontations.

man-coweringI don’t like people getting mad at me. So oft times, I go out of my way to pre-appease them; assuming they won’t like something and sidestepping the issue all together. Yes, I realize I’m co-dependent and yes, I’m trying to stop; I even tried to form a support group for co-dependents but no one would give me per-mission. (Insert rim shot here…)

What this means is that I become concerned that my politics or opinions might show through my writing, resulting in me being harangued by internet “trolls” who have nothing better to do than spend every waking hour scouring the interwebs waiting to pounce on anything I write. (Self-importance much?)

In fairness, my concern is not without basis.

I’ve been flamed because of my views on guns, political candidates, and even negative communication styles (obviously missing the irony). The column that garnered the most hate mail was a humorous piece where I postulated the theory that, based on a trip to New Orleans, the only foods allowed in the south must be deep-fried. (I was even accused of trying to re-ignite the civil war; really.)

Anyhoo… my concern with attempting to avert these curmudgeons can — at times — cause me to pick and choose my topics and words with extreme care. After all, someone a thousand miles away, reading my piece two weeks after I wrote it might feel awkward and shoot negative vibes toward me. Goodness knows! I wouldn’t want that to happen.

Like I said: co-dependent.

This piece however might cause a ruffle or two much closer to home, including in my own household so I now begin to tread in dangerous places.

New and recent findings, published in the journal Emotion, show that long-term marital satisfaction depends on wives — more so than husbands — regulating their emotions during arguments. Researchers from two major universities found that the happi-est marriages, in both the short and long-term, were those where the wives were able to regain their self-control quickly after disputes erupted.

The lead author of the study (whom I point out is a woman) said, [Read more...]

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Lower Your Voice to Get What You Want

angry-men-in-conflict-yelling

Yelling can be as abusive as hitting.

We all get frustrated; that’s normal.

It’s how we handle it that matters.

As difficult as it might be to stay calm when things are going like you’d like to them to, remember, getting louder does not get the message across any better. Quite the contrary, it generates barriers.

Slow down. Take a deep breath. Go for a walk. Think of your intention.

Then, calmly, try again.

[Read more...]

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Making the Right Connections

ethernet-connectors

The internet is as essential a component in our lives as are the power lines that bring electricity to our houses and the roads that deliver products to our doors. Before branding that statement as hyperbole, let’s look at precedent. A century ago, electricity was a luxury. Now, can we image living without it? Indoor plumbing did not become standard until four score years ago. Anyone want an outhouse in his backyard? There are people — not very old people either — who are reading this who remember when getting a phone was a big thing.

Technologies evolve. Like it or not, we become dependent.

I reside on the web; communicating with vendors, providing services to clients, even looking up restaurants for our anniversary. (Be warned however, I do NOT play Farmville; your invitation shall be rebuffed.) The triple-W is about as important to my livelihood as PG&E is to delivering the juice that runs my computer. I could survive without it, sure, but it would — by no small amount — upend the quality of my life.

So I should have foreseen the turn of events that would transpire when I decided to “upgrade” my phone service. But, what can I say? I’m an optimist. Dreams die hard…

The crew that came out was friendly and efficient. Yet, within 24 hours, my internet service devolved into hit-and-miss connections; so much so that I could no longer hold phone conversations nor work on the web.

Not having only one contact in the loop, I call the phone provider; explaining the issue (over a series of clicks and clacks). They flip switches and read dials, (predictably) arriving at the conclusion the hitch is due to my cable company, not them.

“No so fast!” says cable technical support; informing me everything checks out on their end. “Replace your router,” is his solution.  The equipment manufacturer explains that their apparatus is A-OK, redirecting me to service provider number one, somehow providing a twisted sense of Zen to this now completed loop.

Yet I remain in the lurch, cyber-lonely, career faltering; web-less.

[Read more...]

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